From Orphan To Beloved

Throughout most of my life, I have carried the weighty burden of being the master of my fate. As I struggled in my attempts to set the right course and control my path, I always thought this internal battle was normal. After all, I had carried this heaviness for as long as I could remember, and I noticed others around me experienced a similar weight on their shoulders. Growing up in affluent Western culture and being reminded how lucky I was to be here, the pressure to succeed was ingrained into me. It seemed that everywhere I turned, there were both direct and covert messages that communicated I needed to “get it right” – or else. I took it upon myself to be (or perhaps more importantly, appear) perfect and have a plan for everything while the fear of failure lurked underneath the surface. With every step, I found myself trembling. What if I make a mistake that ruins the entire course of my life?

When this is your outlook in life, fear is an inevitable companion and every decision you make feels extremely high stakes. Every seemingly “wrong” choice, no matter how small or insignificant, is like a punch to the gut. The pressure to appease and impress everyone at the surface while keeping insecurities and weaknesses buried deep gives rise to a false self who steals opportunities for genuine connection and vulnerability. Shame has the power to flood over you at any and every stumble, awkward encounter, or perceived rejection. And when at last you do seem to succeed at stepping towards the life you desire or gaining the acceptance of others, it comes with a nagging voice reminding you that this temporary, flawed sense of reassurance could disappear at any moment.

Suddenly, when I started following Jesus, I felt a deep sense of relief from the prison of my unrealistically high expectations for myself. The truth that I was not alone in creating my story refreshed my soul in an all-encompassing, unexpected way. It was a breath of fresh air to go through each day knowing that I had a Father who not only desires good for me, but also works it out in my life from His own power and strength. And I found extreme comfort in understanding that this promise was not dependent on my right (or wrong) choices. For the first time, I no longer felt the pressure to have it all figured out. When your heart is open to freely receive the grace of God, even your most deeply-feared mistakes turn into a gift. They become an opportunity for God to show up and remind you of who He is, how loved you are, and how these truths are not changed by your actions. For His grace is sufficient over all, and His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

However, what I didn’t realize about inviting God to be the Master of my life was what it would require me to leave behind. You see, God isn’t a puppeteer who controls our every move, ensuring we don’t ever experience failure and that everything goes according to our plan. In fact, it is essential that we surrender our plan completely and trust in His instead. While I immediately welcomed the relief of realizing I did not need to get everything right, I was not prepared for the ongoing wrestle of learning how to surrender and let go of the false sense of security that control brought to my life. This came to a head recently when I learned that the company I worked for was closing our branch at the end of the school year. This was a shocking and unexpected development, and I found myself panicking as all my precious plans for the summer and upcoming school year were yanked out from under me.

As I struggled to process this news with anxious thoughts and despair regularly threatening to overtake me, I felt a pull on my soul from Jesus, calling me to surrender to what He had planned next. I was terrified of this call, and felt much more comfortable ruminating on and researching the most logical paths I could think of taking. However, this only seemed to lead to more inner turmoil, and after one particularly difficult day, I found myself crumpled on my knees. In this posture of submission, I cried out to the Lord that I would go wherever He would take me. That I would no longer limit Him to what I felt like made the most sense. As I took the leap of faith to trust in His goodness and plan for me, peace and lightness flooded into the deepest parts of my soul. And the next day, while joyfully singing songs of worship to Him on a drive, the voice of the Spirit answered my desperate prayer of surrender.

“Go to the place where I called you out from the depths.”

Immediately I knew in my heart where He was calling me. I felt my breath being taken away as I processed what I had just heard. For His call was not just to the next place of employment, which was what I had anticipated receiving when I was on my knees. Instead, the God of surprises and goodness was calling me home, to my birthplace of Bogotá, Colombia. And as I write this post, barely 2 months after hearing this call, I am on a layover before the flight that will bring me back to my country of origin. I am now beginning the journey of being reunited with my people, culture, and the language of my heart. Where I will have the privilege of serving the poor, the widows, and the orphans as someone who is no longer an orphan, but His beloved. Sharing the hope and love of Jesus in this place and in this season is a path I would’ve never foreseen on my own. And all of a sudden, as I await my return to the depths, the call to surrender becomes beautiful.